In my faith, our boys and girls don’t grow saying about marriage,
“if it don’t work, I’ll get divorce and find someone better.”
Rather, we believe families can be Eternal by being sealed for all time and all Eternity in the Lord’s house, The Holy Temple. Facing all matter of Earthly issues together including some of the causes for divorce such as, financial issues, lack of love, boredom and unfortunately, sometimes infidelity, we strive to endure in becoming our best self for each other.
Now don’t get me wrong, there are some people who are together in which the very though of them being called a couple give me goose bumps. I can’t stand a man and at times women who abuse their spouse physically or emotionally. There are those who make mistake and those who choose live a certain way, it is those in which I plead, get help, speak up, don’t be scared, there are others waiting to help you at this very moment. Heavenly Father did not intended marriage for it to be an abusive endless pit of misery. A constant Stephen King book of life.
Although I am not a marriage counselor. nor have I ever used one, I can give you some advice on this traitorous event since I unfortunately have recently gone through the bitter, dark road of divorce myself. I will give some pointers that I think effective my relationship, and others I picked up from marriages that have ended.
- We got engage to fast for the wrong reason. We both knew we didn’t just date anyone and I was very clear before anything even happened that I was looking for a wife, not just some to date. We both had that priority. With that said, we hurried up the wedding because there was a need for her younger bother to be taken care of in another part of the state which half way through the engagement, we decided we were not going to do that. Eventually we did almost two years later.
- We moved 4 times for what we thought would be a good move financially. We learned that we should trust in the Lord and not move because we feel things will not be the good financially there. Stick to a plan and don’t turn away from it… Unless it really does not work.
- We worked with goals and desires in mind but yet hardly planned and when we did planned, we hardly followed through. This brought and lack of direction and growth and we deceived ourself because we stayed so busy with work, callings and investments.
- We began to argue about little things since the big things we at times not followed through.
- We got too busy and did not date as often. This is so vital for a marriage to work. It keep things interesting and you get to know your wife outside of the home and late nights when each come tired from work.
- Falling out of love. I began to see this at a gradual phase from her. It would be easy to blame the other spouse, but the question needs to be inward… What did I do so she of he could get to the lonely point of not loving me.
- Not seeing eye to eye with each others desires. This could be from keeping the toilet seat up to not eating at your favorite place. In a marriage, understand that you will have to give up time, desires, money, etc, but don’t get greedy either, no matter how much each of you is willing to give up. You want to change, but not destroy their identity, think about it, by you completely changing your spouse you will little by little not know who he or she is because you have turn them into something they are not and they will not be able to get accustom to that change and in return end up being a negative creation. Let God do the molding, you do the loving.
- Not doing what the other likes. Again, don’t get greedy. If she wants a chick flick, go watch it and vice a versa.
- Stay in love. Have a respectful intimate relationship. Do not due, say or treat the other in an abnormal way. Although you are married, you are not each other’s owner, no one will ever be. Heavenly Father did place on you the desires of intimacy, use the to the highest purpose and divine potential. However, don’t abstain from intimacy because you may feel holier than your spouse. Strive always to be clean and keep clean… And I don’t mean hygiene.
- Don’t think that having kids will solve things, at times a divorce will have either party having some kind of greed about them and that without realizing it, starts blurring out your kids, plus, for the most part, you were together before your kids came. What worked then? What can you do to bring that spark back. And were you just planning on getting married, having kids and then get a divorce after they were out of the house? If anything kids should be a means for you two to enjoy later in life, not a simple dose to ease the pain for a brief moment. Besides, you before Eternal because you and your spouse, not your kids, it takes a man and a woman.
- Be patient with each other. This could be letting the other properly live out their dream, or simply letting them do something that you may not like as long as it is in accordance with Heavenly Father, it should be okay.
- Serve together and support each others callings. This can be an issue because if you are not working in growing spiritually together, this can happened when one spouse has a stronger presence in their calling than the other or where both are too busy and are not studying together. This is just a vital as dating is. Make time to learn with each other not just about each other. You will learn more about each other when both are learning spiritual matters anyway.
I don’t have any kids myself, but I did console many couple as a Bishop in my ward, they all had that pattern. At times the children where the main focus of staying together, but it was never the first worry. Guess what the first question was? What am I going to if I leave him/ her? The letter I, is associated with greed. We see in the Pearl of Great price and when Satan steps in to be part of the great plan, I is mention several times. He was thinking about himself and what he could achieve and what glory he could have.
Divorce sucks, there is nothing good about it. If there is anything you do that can slightly leave you asking, will my spouse be okay with me doing this? DON’T DO IT! You also come to know who your real friends are, who is pretending just to get info and those you thought respected you, won’t even text how you doing? Then you have those as one of my closest friend who also went through a much worse divorce than I did and with kids, said something that has stuck with me as other have tried to cheer me up.
“People will give you advice, it comes from a good place, but you will realize that unless they have been through a divorced, they will not understand.” In others words, it’s mundane and vain.
He had said it best. He then added,
“Even if the divorce comes from a reasonable cause like abuse, it is still damaging, dark and lonely. Nothing good comes from it for either of you.”
Who knows what will happen in the future as for now, we both are healing from the hurt and are simply striving to grow. I is not a band-aid type of thing, the sting of separation, the hallow sound of loneliness and the despair of the unknown is a constant evident earthquake of bitter emotions that won’t go away. However, the love I have felt from heavenly father is one in which I have found my self asking,
“why do you still love me? I have failed you, we have failed you. How could this be?please don’t love me like this. Why now and not before when I asked for clarity on something I wanted help on? Why do you love me so much? Why have I never felt such a close one on one love before?” Little by little, these questions are coming to light. One for instance is that I found that Heavenly Father does love me and my former spouse more than I love my self.
It is unreal and I question any other time I have felt his love in the past. Our Heavenly Father loves us sooo much, it took a divorce to feel this personal love from him (although I’m want to make it clear that you don’t have to get a divorce to feel such love from him, just saying He will love you if you do.), because, I guess, well he does want us to keep moving and he is letting us know he has not given up on us. After all we are his children and all he asks of us is to return to his Eternal home, that alone is worth the fight.